Anyway, on to the nonsense.

I have to write 10 things about myself. Shalee wrote 10 things she didn’t like about herself. I’m just going to try to find 10 things and try to make them as interesting as possible. Which may be setting myself up for a fall.

1. I am an introvert. No, really! I am! I may come across as all friendly and funny and completely and utterly awesome online, but I am a complete introvert that would rather stick a fork in my eye than meet new people. Sometimes I don’t even want to see people I know because it’s too overwhelming to be in public. I may actually be slight agoraphobic in addition to being completely bonkers.
2. I have actually talked myself through taking a shower, getting dressed, putting on make-up, etc. all with the intention of getting out of the house. Then I walk to the garage. Then I turn around and go back inside and crawl into my bed because it’s just too much.
3. And then there are days that, if I don’t get out of my house I will go crazy. Oh. Wait. Isn’t that what I just said in 1 & 2? I AM BONKERS.
4. I do not like to talk on the phone. There are a few exceptions, but sometimes I just don’t answer the phone because I don’t have caller ID and I don’t know who it is.
5. I don’t like to IM. So Clemntine? Jules? Emily? Nothing personal, but I will never answer your IMs.
6. I hope Steve Martin is the alter ego of Jack Handy. I love Steve Martin. I just wish he didn’t wear so much make-up.
7. I like the idea of hiking and biking and being all outdoorsy, but I have no intention of being that girl.
8. I am boring myself to tears right now. Even I don’t care about 10 things about me.
9. I’d rather hear about you.
10. Why don’t you leave me a comment and tell me one thing about you.

A few years ago, when I was visiting my brother and his family, we were walking and talking as we tend to do (we are a family of mulit-taskers).

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, my brother breaks out the cool slang and fits it neatly into our conversation: Fo’ shizzle, my nizzle!

I stopped walking and stared at him, completely confused, and said, “Did you just say you wanted to play Parcheezi with Sneezy?”

At which point he walked away from me and disowned me.

True story.

Update: Yes. I know what he said.

Back to the matter at hand. An incredibly talented and funny blogger, Lyssa at FuseMoms, has tagged me for the aforementioned meme. She got me to do it purely by means of flattery: she said she tagged me because she wanted to introduce her readers to me. I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

1. I am the funniest person I know. Seriously. I’ve been known to make myself spontaneously laugh hysterically–snorting and all–just by thinking things to myself. When I try to explain these hallucinations hilarious thoughts to others, their minds are too small to comprehend the madness hilarity. They shake their heads and walk away.
2. I can (and have) plan(ned) an entire one-week Disney World vacation for our
   family in under 90 minutes–reservations, dining, daily activities,
   everything.
3. I am the walrus. Koo koo kachoo.
4. I have an unlimited knowledge of random TV and movie quotes. Here’s one for you: Bear’s got a big nose, doesn’t he? Anyone know who said it and in what context for what product? I’m telling you. It’s a freakin’ gift. A gift that does not extend to movies made after 1995 for some reason. Which makes the first statement of this number a complete lie, doesn’t it? See? I’m cracking myself up and y’all are just along for the ride wonderin’ when you can get off. Just one more, then you’re done.
5. I cannot stand the smell of boiled hotdogs or the thought of the water they were boiled in. My friend, Denise, calls this Weiner Soup and torments me. She is funny, but evil–two traits I admire greatly.

I hereby tag Jenny at Chased by Children, Lani at The Wooden Porch, and Bananas at Absolutely Bananas.

Now, I have to say, I’m giving up the memes for a while. Oh, you can try to woo me with promises of introducing me to your readers, or perhaps the promise of coffee. The only thing that will convince me, though, is a Dyson. So if you have a Dyson for me, tag me. I’ll be over here holding my breath, trying not to make myself laugh.

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.
2. Players
   - You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each
   letter of your middle name.  If you don’t have a middle name, use the
   middle name you would have liked to have had.
3. At the end of your post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.

D  -  DON’T tell me what to do. Man, I hate few things worse than being bossed.

A  -  Want to be my friend? ALWAYS laugh at my jokes. Seriously. I love to make people laugh even when I know I’m not being that funny. Laugh at my stuff and I’ll love you forever.

W  -  I like to WATCH. Movies, that is. (And the ‘I like to watch’ is a movie quote; any guesses?) I could literally sit on my butt and do nothing but watch movies all day and into the night.

N  -  NATURAL. I don’t wear much makeup and I’m finally comfortable in my own skin. For the most part. Except for the conversations I keep re-hashing in my mind about what a total dork I was when I said blah, blah, blah. Because who says that?

First, she’s hosting a little (who am I kidding? Does anything she hosts turn out little? I think not.) bloggy give away carnival starting on Monday. I’m going to play, so if you want a chance to win one of my tote bags, come back on Monday and leave comments. Don’t forget to play along yourself and offer up your own give away. Winners will be drawn on Friday, July 26.

Then, Shannon came up with five questions for the interview meme (which I’ve already done). I couldn’t resist answering them.

1. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Well, iced tea for a drink. For food, though? I just don’t think I could limit myself. If I had to or they were going to release large spiders on my body, I would pick popcorn, I guess. But only in the scenario with the spiders.
2. What’s the most nerve-racking "close call" you’ve ever had? Well, I thought I was going to marry the guy I dated long-term before I met Husband. I’d say that was a close call.
   
3. Name five features your ultimate dream house would have.

• Matt Damon (as Jason Borne), Hugh Jackman, or any other eye candy for this job.
• Sound-proof sewing/craft room so I could disappear completely and not hear the wails of my family as they try to claw their way to me. This one would be fine.
• A wrap-around porch so I can hide from my family and read in a nice rocking chair while sipping iced tea. As the family tries to find me, I can just keep moving. It’ll be like hide-and-seek around a tree. Fun for everyone and the kids get exercise.
• An infinity bathtub and a lock on the bathroom door.
• A three-car garage so Husband would have a place for the muscle car he’s always wanted. Yeah, I’m throwin’ him a bone.

4. Who has been the most influential non-relative in your life? Actually, I am lucky enough to have had two influential non-relatives in my life: RmB and Emily. I owe much of my writing development to RmB (too bad I’ve been losing it slowly since I graduated) and much of my surly smart-aleckness to Emily.
5. What one non-physical feature would you most like to change about yourself? I would like to be the benevolent ruler of the blogosphere. You will all hail Chili and don the glasses. And you will like it.

I’m so tired of living in a dusty, gluey, stinky mess. I’m actually getting a little claustrophobic from shutting my eyes every time I pass the kitchen/living room. (The living room, you see, is where we are storing the kitchen stuff until the new kitchen is complete.) I have the bruises to prove the eye-shutting thing.

Clemntine, funny lady extraordinare extrodin of the highest order, has tagged me for an dining out meme. Now, since I can’t cook (because of the kitchen being torn up! Not because I can’t cook. I can! I will!), you know we’ve been eating out. AND this little meme will mean I’ve actually posted TWICE this week.

Rules:

1. Link to name of person that tagged you.
2. Include state and country you live in.
3. List top 5 favorite local restaurants.
4. Tag 5 other people and let them know they’ve been tagged.

Where I live: Oklahoma, USA

Top Five Local Restaurants

Tulsa is the heart and home of the chain restaurant. We have a few solo proprietors, but not many make it. In fact, we had Ford’s Filling Station for about six months before it left–it was owned by Harrison Ford’s son. Apparently even celebrity won’t help you here.

1. Fifty5 Degrees. Named for the true temp at which red wine should be served. I don’t know if this restaurant will make it. It was great when it opened, but it has stiff competition in it’s location. It’s expensive and not terribly intimate. I would feel better spending the money if I didn’t feel like the people next to me were close enough to steal my plate. BUT! The food is fantastic. The family that owns this restaurant owns two others in town and they know what they’re doing. This restaurant has a terrific wine list. It even has a special room you can book for wine tasting. It’s kept at…55 degrees. They even have robes for you to wear so you don’t get cold. (Yes, the first time I saw that I made many a wisecrack.) The pear and cheese plate appetizer is delicious.
2. Tin Star. This is sit-down fast food. They serve gourmet soft tacos; my favorite is #10, which isn’t on the menu. It’s chicken, red onions, asparagus, and vinaigrette. They’re sweet corn salsa is to die for. And I’ve never had bad guacamole here, either. It’s all-around good and a great place to have a quick lunch with friends. If you dare, try the chocolate mousse cake with cheesecake embedded in it. Oh. My. Word.
3. Hideaway Pizza. I’m an OSU alum and Hideaway Pizza was started in Stillwater, OK. My kids love the noodles, Husband loves the Big Country (think copious meat and cheddar cheese and try not to hurl), I love the Pizza of the Gods (olive oil and artichoke hearts). I also love to look at the collages they are known for. Some of them are truly remarkable. This particular restaurant has opened branches in just about every major city in Oklahoma (all two of them!).
4. The Savoy. This place is an institution and it’s family-owned. It’s an old diner, but it’s very large for a diner. This is the place to go for breakfast. The portions are huge, inexpensive, and delicious. I think my tea refills aren’t free (!), but I’ll live because the cinnamon rolls and pecan sticky buns are to die for. It’s a treat for us to eat breakfast here. Next time you’re in town we’ll do this!
5. Taco Bueno. Did you really think I could make a list without my old standby? Bean burrito and a muchaco, please. Or just some Mexi Dips and Chips. And don’t forget the cheesecake chimichangas. And the churros. I’m pretty sure they lace their food with something addictive. Oh wait. That’s call trans fats. Got it.

Tags:

1. dcrmom at Musings of a Housewife (because she’s all about the memes)
2. Shalee at Shalee’s Diner (hello? DINER? She has to know a restaurant or two just for competition’s sake)
3. Green3 (since she has nothing to write about these days and I wonder if her town even has restaurants)
4. Peach at Without Fear (because I’m so glad she’s back)
5. GiBee at Kisses of Sunshine (because this woman’s a whiz in the kitchen and I’d love to see where she eats when she’s not cooking!)

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!

How do you feel today?
Dance, Dance, Dance-The Beach Boys

What’s your outlook on life?
San Francisco Bay Blues-Eric Clapton

What does your family think of you?
Lullaby-The Cure

What do your friends think of you?
Anywhere Is-Enya

What do your exes think of you?
Alberta-Eric Clapton

How’s your love life?
Dry County-The B-52′s

How will your love life be in the future?
Pumpkin & Honey Bunny-Pulp Fiction Soundtrack

Will you get married?
Trouble Me-10,000 Maniacs

Are you good at school?
God of Wine-Third Eye Blind

Will you be successful?
Iris-Goo Goo Dolls

What song should they play on your birthday?
Further to Fly-Paul Simon

What song should they play at your graduation?
Hot hot hot!-The Cure

The Soundtrack of your life?
We Make a Lot of Love-Harry Connick, Jr.

You and your best friends are?
Mysterious Way-U2

Happy times:
Alcohol-BNL

Sad times:
Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon-Urge Overkill

Every day:
Noah’s Dove-10,000 Maniacs

For tomorrow:
This is the Picture-Peter Gabrielle

For you:
Nowadays/Hot Honey Rag-Chicago Soundtrack

What does next year have in store for me?
Layla-Eric Clapton

What do I say when life gets too hard?
Temperature-Sean Paul

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
The Night We Called it a Day-Diana Krall

What do you want as your career?
When You’re Good to Mama-Chicago Soundtrack

Your favorite saying?
You Never Can Tell-Chuck Berry

How will I die?
Like the Weather-10,000 Maniacs

Then! About 10 days ago I bought the most incredible purse. Wait. It gets better.

The purse was a penny.

Now, you’ve heard tell of something wiley and questionable but oh-so-fun. It’s called Chili Math (you can find examples here and here). This is how it works:

1. Go to Kohl’s with your mom so she will spend enough money to get the $10 card you can spend the next week. She’ll give it to you because her town doesn’t have a Kohl’s.
2. During that same visit, buy flip-flops with cute flowers on them, but decide you’re not thrilled and they may be the wrong size.
3. Take flip-flops back on day you can use your $10 gift card. You’ll get $8.67 for the flip-flops. Now you have $18.67 to spend. ($10 card + $8.67 in returns = $18.67)
4. Find awesome purse on clearance for $18.20. YOU HAVE ENOUGH FOR THAT!
5. Buy awesome purse. Total is $18.68. Gladly pay the penny for your purse and dance out of the store while singing to the birds. All is right with the world.
6. Use awesome purse to do a meme on your blog that you were tagged for almost three weeks ago.

You’ll want to click on that to get the full feel of the beauty and awesomeness of the purse.

We had just returned from the airport when I took this picture. I started reading Middlemarch on the way to Dallas, then got hooked on yet another Harlan Coben mystery.

Check out those sunglasses. The top ones are my every day glasses; the leopard print are my sassy glasses. Mere blog words could never do them justice. They are simply too glam.

Of course there’s the nano, a pen, a loose quarter, the wallet, Burt’s Bees lip balm, Advil, and various receipts (that promptly found themselves in the trash after the picture). Oh, and the phone.

That’s it. You’ve now glimpsed the bowels of my purse.

Of course, I don’t think what’s in my purse was nearly as telling about my personality as the math lesson.

1. I worked at Mazzio’s. I started as a dishwasher, moved to salad bar (you don’t even want to know), and ended up on the cash register. I gave free drinks to my friends and laughed at the girls who would call in pizzas under ‘Mrs. Whatever-Their-Boyfriends’-Last-Name-Was’. I ate copious amounts of deep dish pizza and never gained an ounce. Sigh.
2. I was captain of the swimming/diving team. I sucked at both, but it was totally about who you knew. And I knew everyone.
3. I dated losers. We’re talkin’ guys named Mad Dog. Ugh. If I could just take it all back…
4. I was actually a cheerleader when I was 14 and 15. I know! I smiled! On purpose! And cheered people on! Luckily, that phase passed pretty quickly. When it was time to try out in high school, I purposely didn’t smile because I didn’t want to wear those short skirts at State in November. Freakin’ cold!
5. I once skipped school just so I could sleep. No kidding. I totally got caught, too.
6. I was insanely clueless. As in, What? I need to apply to college? I don’t just go? Huh. That’s not how I envisioned it. Or how about this: I once sat in the backseat of a car for two whole hours with my best guy friend and talked while my other best guy friend and his girlfriend "got something" from the field we were parked in. It did not even occur to me until many, many years later what an idiot I was.
7. I drank entirely too much, but I did not do drugs. My mom brought home a drug video when I was 12 and it said that if you did even a little pot you would ruin your future baby because females are born with all the eggs they’ll ever produce. You never know when that pot might malform one of those eggs. You do it once, and BOOM! Googly-eyed baby. No thanks.

I tag Shalee, dcrmom, and Christine. And you, of course, if you’d like to play! No favorites here!

Thirteen Things: Why I love Ann Taylor LOFT

13. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
12. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
11. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
10. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
9. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
8. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
7. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
6. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
5. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
4. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
3. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
2. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.
1. I fit into size 8 curvy boot-cut jeans.

Those of you who know my plight know that I am not bragging. I’m simply thrilled out of my skin and had to shout it from the rooftops. I haven’t seen size 8 in many a year and was fairly sure it would not be in my closet again. Inflated sizing or not, I’ll take it. Ann Taylor LOFT now has a customer for life, even if they’re lying to me.